Feeling Exposed while in the Nude–This One is for Jessica Simpson

By: Tory  |  Published: February 22nd, 2012   |  Category: Beauty, Funny Stuff, Tory Shulman News

Could I do it? Could I be that girl? The kind of girl who wears 5 inch nude high heel shoes from The Jessica Simpson Collection?

The short answer is yes. Oh yes. They are so hot and so perfect and so cheap.

But this was, of course, after the whole fiasco.

The other day, I decide that I am going to do a little personal shopping. This is quite rare since I have many anxieties some of which include: being afraid of driving, being afraid of malls, being afraid of driving to malls, being afraid of entering mall parking lots and mostly, being afraid of exiting mall parking lots, so you can see where I had my doubts.

But I was feeling surprisingly fearless that day and so I hit the streets headed for Nordstrom’s Rack. (If you don’t know Nordstrom’s Rack, it is basically “Ross Dress for Less” out on a formal date. I love it).

That particular morning, I was more focused on facing my fears than my outfit and therefore found myself shopping in a heavy black, knee-length skirt over black, opaque leggings and yellow tennis shoes. Since four different synagogues surrounded this particular Nordstrom’s Rack, I realized I looked extremely Orthodox. I mean cool Orthodox, but still Orthodox.

“Who cares? Who is going to see me?” I said to myself as I headed directly to the shoe department. Now this shoe department is notable for having great shoes but teeny aisles. If you are looking at size seven shoes, and another gal has that shoe size, you too will become very close very soon.

So there I was, an anxious, Orthodox-shopper who dislikes tight spaces trying to find her perfect pair of nude pumps for under 60 bucks. I ducked in an aisle and out of an aisle, trying my best to “walk like a panther.” My Yoga teacher had said this once to the class and now I hung onto the mantra since I figured panthers walk gracefully and quietly and don’t bump into other shoe-buying panthers.

I was doing so well–until I found the shoes. Perfect color, perfect height, perfect size, perfect price BUT they were from The Jessica Simpson Collection. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal but it was a line I hadn’t crossed yet in footwear and I wasn’t sure I was ready. I decided to take two breaths and try the shoes on in a corner where I would have more privacy and space. I reached around this beautiful Latina woman to grab them and she just stared at me, wondering why this modest, Hassidic Jew was picking out slutty, nude, Jessica Simpson pumps. I just made my move and panthered the hell out of there.

A seat! An empty seat. Near no-one! How fantastic! I sat down and started to untie the yellow shoelaces when I suddenly bristled instinctively as I felt another girl approach the seat next to mine. Just breathe. Act normal. I slowly took off one shoe at a time, desperately trying to make small movements, until I realized with great panic that I was wearing two different socks. Not only were they different colors, oh no. One of them was green and had large cats printed all over it and the other was maroon covered in smiling dachshunds. During laundry, I remember thinking that since they were both in the animal family, the socks deserved to be together. Oh my God I looked like such a fashion asshole.

Of course, my new neighbor noticed my socks as I stuffed them roughly into my shoes, glancing away quickly as if she were caught watching a car wreck on the highway. I slipped on my JSimps heels and took a short turn to see if they fit but mostly just checking if I could “drunky walk” in them, since I insist on being treated to wine anytime I have to wear 5 inch heels. As I turned back I see that the new neighbor has snaked my seat! I didn’t care about the territory but my dachshund socks!

I was mortified. I walked over slowly and she looked up and down at this observant-looking Jew wearing these whory heels and I blurted out, a bit too loudly. “Those are my dachshunds and I’m not Orthodox.”

Needless to say I made a 360 turn and ran away as fast as I could while wearing the stilettos. I finally stopped to catch my breath in the Sportswear section and looked down delighted. My Jessica Simpson heels had held up incredibly well.