Top 5 Movies You Should NEVER Show Your Kids (That You Think You Should)

By: Tory  |  Published: July 13th, 2011   |  Category: Film, movies, parents, Rants & Raves, Tory Shulman News

One night in my early childhood my parents went out to dinner and left me, my older sister, and her friend in the hands of Evelyn, our dear Grandma. The night was uneventful until we all plopped down onto the ol’ orange and brown den couch and popped in a Disney video none of us had seen. My sister had chosen it from the local video store. The movie: “Watcher in the Woods.”

1) “Watcher in the Woods”

To be honest, I don’t even want to write about this movie since it means I have to dig deep into traumatic memories. The plot revolves around this girl Karen. Long ago, Karen, a fair-hared teen, was playing Blind Man’s Bluff with her friends in the foyer of her house. Suddenly a fire breaks out–everyone runs out of the room screaming in panic. BUT! No one tells Karen. No tells the BLINDFOLDED Karen. (Although, for reasons unbeknownst to my sister and me, she doesn’t just rip off the thing but that is besides the point). So she stumbles around until she reaches the family’s large Grandfather clock. As the fire rages behind Karen, the clock strikes midnight. The heavy brass pendulum swings straight into her neck, killing Karen instantly.
After her tragic death, Karen remains in her house as a blindfolded ghost, hauntingly appearing in mirrors and scaring the living hell out of people including me and my sister. We couldn’t sleep for the next two weeks due to visceral nightmares and for years I would always approach a mirror sideways just in case Kare was already there. My mother tried to get the G rating changed to an R rating at that local video store. She got it to PG and I have never since worn a blindfold.

2) “Bambi”

Check out the log line for this film on IMDB: “Animated film about a young deer, Bambi, growing up in the wild after his mother is shot by hunters.” Why Parents of the World???? Why would you force your children to deal with so many heavy issues at once. Abandonment, violence, gun control, illegal poaching, environmental issues, and yes, I’ll say it, paternity leave. It’s too much. It’s too sad and I think it’s wrong. The dad stag was hot though.

3) “The Return of Oz”

This movie was so repressed in my memory that I didn’t even think of it. It was only after mentioning this topic at a recent party that nearly everyone said I had to include it. Here is the low down: Dorothy returns to Oz and, just like the original, meets up with some spooky creatures. Only this time round, instead of flying bell-hop monkeys, there are the freaking Wheelies. Half Human, half Schwinn these things will kill you and traumatize you at the same time. In addition to these monsters, the wicked witch has redesigned her castle. This time, she adds a nice touch of charm by displaying the speared heads of decapitated children around her perimeter. So whaddaya say kids?? Let’s bring on the popcorn and ease on down this yellow brick road…of nightmarish hell!

4) “ET”

I hated this movie. I know some of you might start to protest but just hear me out. ET clearly represents a penis. A creepy, bug-eyed phallic symbol is the protagonist of this supposedly “kid friendly” film. Full disclosure to my reader: It did not help that I saw this movie as a kid when I had a really high fever which led to large parts of this film to always seem quite hallucinogenic. Like that scene near the end when ET gets really sick and turns deathly white. And the for some reason Eliot gets really sick and also turns deathly white. And because I already felt sick, I also turned deathly white and threw up. I just hate this movie and PHONE HOME to parents everywhere–SO WILL YOUR CHILDREN!!

5) “The Adventures of Baron Von Munchausen”

Watching this movie as a kid was like dropping acid. I just remember bits and pieces of imagery like the floating head of Robin Williams playing the role of the sexually harassing Moon. Then suddenly I see flashes of a very young Uma Thurman flying away on a hot air balloon made entirely out of knickers. And of course, the searing image of the Baron himself, sitting inside of a whale playing cards. Let’s just say I was waaaay too young to see this Terry Gilliam visual orgasm and I suggest to parents that they keep in this movie in the “trippy” pile when choosing a flick.

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