You tend to turn very cold and feel a little nauseous. Your heart beats rapidly and your mind starts racing. A black cloud of anger and panic immediately looms over your head and your heart. Yes, these are the lovely symptoms most people experience after being left out. It does not matter how old you are or how much money you have. Every one will feel left out at some point in their lives and the feeling sucks just as bad if you are 11, 35 or 64 years old. As my mother always says: “I hate to tell ya Chicken (my nickname—go ahead and laugh), but the hurt doesn’t go away as you get older.
So what do we do about these inevitable moments? Do we just complain about it and try to get used to the symptoms? Or do we plan in advance so that when we find ourselves feeling left out we will be as ready as a Navy SEAL on a mission? I think I’d rather go with the second option.
With no further adieu, here are your 4 STEPS TO SURVIVING THE SUCKY FEELING OF BEING LEFT OUT.
1) CREATE YOUR FASHION AND FRIEND WISHLIST
Let’s start this process by taking matters into our hands. It’s always better to come from a stable place of control and this step helps you do just that. Start by simply creating a Fashion Wish List. Write down 10 items that you would buy if money were no option. Note: This should be a fun, lighthearted, exercise. Don’t stress out about what’s trending right now. This is the time to be proud of your own style. Just let your mind go and have fun with it. Here is my list:
TORY’S FANTASY CLOSET
1) A thin, well tailored, zippered leather jacket for the Spring
2) A perfect white button down shirt that doesn’t gape at the bust
3) A structured, short glitter dress with shoulder pads
4) The perfect Helmut Lang black blazer
5) Christian Louboutin Heels in nude patent leather
6) High rise Rogan jeans
7) A vintage, chunky, rose gold Rolex
8) Supportive gladiator heels in silver
9) A Zac Posen day dress
10) Emerald drop earrings
This list took me literally 45 seconds to create and I had a ball envisioning my dream wardrobe. Now, using this same vibe of good humor and friendliness with yourself, quickly write a Friend Wish List. Remember; don’t spend an inordinate amount of time on this. Just zone out and see what ten things come to you naturally. Here is my list:
TORY’S FANTASY FRIEND
1) Empathetic
2) Curious
3) Good Hearted
4) Generous
5) Good listener
6) Easy Going
7) Introspective
8) Sense of Humor
9) Sensitive
10) Relaxing
If you are feeling left out or moving somewhere new and want to make friends, keep this list by your side. It will become one of your most powerful assets that you can refer back to again and again. You have just written yourself a road map to the basic qualities you require in a friendship. And, more importantly, you’ve created a boundary of what you want and what you won’t put up with in a friend. Remember: superficiality ain’t NOWHERE on my Friend Wish List.
2) YOUR FRIENDS ARE NOT MIND READING WIZARDS
I know, I know. You cannot believe it but it’s true! Your friends do not have mental telepathy! Sometimes you actually need to let them know you want to be included. One time, I was not invited to my best friends graduation party from law school. I felt terribly confused and upset. I took my own advice and wrote her a short email honestly explaining how I felt about the situation. She wrote back immediately saying she thought I didn’t care for her law school friends which couldn’t have been further from the truth. She apologized and our relationship is so much closer because I gave her enough credit to tell her the truth. It doesn’t have to be a big huge thing. Just somehow communicate your interest in hanging out. “Oh next time y’all go bowling, count me in cause I will kick some major ass.”
3) I DARE YOU TO JUMP FROM THE HOT TUB TO THE POOL
This step is probably the least comfortable. It involves you taking a chance. Ya see, when we feel left out from a clique, most of us would prefer to run away and hide. We want to isolate ourselves as much as possible so that we don’t have to deal with the embarrassment and pain. This is a natural response to have, but I assure you it is a dead end. This route will NEVER lead you to happiness or a more social way of being. In order to make some long lasting friends, you need to put yourself out there. I know it might feel horrendously vulnerable and hard at first, but imagine it like you’ve just been dared to jump from the hot tub to the pool. First, you get extremely nervous, then you leap. There’s a momentary splash and an intense moment of cold discomfort and then your body adjusts. That’s it. You simply have to breathe and be courageous enough to get through the nerves, splash and initial discomfort of putting yourself out there socially but you will adjust. If there is a school dance, attend it. If there is a school community service group, join it. If there is a play or sports team at your school, try out for it. These are organized groups that can you can use to your advantage. Now go out and meet some peeps…I dare you.
5) COMPASSION FOR OTHERS
When you are left out you are actually given a rare gift. You see, for that one moment in time, you know EXACTLY what it is like to feel jealous, weak, embarrassed, helpless, furious, betrayed and so on. And because of that, you now have the AMAZING capability to feel true compassion for all the other people in the world who also feel these things. All those times that you have felt cold, nauseous, panicked or angry about being left out is the exact same way that sulking girl in the corner that no one talks to is feeling. Respect this compassion for others, as it is life changing. And maybe the next time you pass by the sulking girl you can say, “What’s up?” and introduce yourself. Trust me, you both will appreciate it.